Dammit

I'm betwixt and between....

Not a student, not employed, and waiting, for the next stage to begin.

Money is always part of the problem, but so is the unknowing - where, what, when? Clearly I am a control freak, I just don't like having it pointed out to me.

I have to sell myself. Why isn't a glowing Academic Transcript enough. How many High Distinctions do you need, for God's sake?

I should be making the most of this lull. Finish the painting, do some exercise, plant more vegetables, weed the veggie garden, get on my cushion and meditate, remember what it feels like to just be. But I want to bloody know what's next.

I have resorted to lists: of things to do, of things to cook, of things not to do. I want to rant and swear, but I'm mindful that this is a public platform, and I have a professional standard to maintain. Yes the irony, for my career that has not yet begun.

A change of tack - on with the learning!

It is a strange thing to revisit your own writing after an absence, at a completely different point in your life. I've burnt a bit of stuff in the past, but it is a bit hard to burn a blog, so it's still here!

This is what I've just done, returned to this blog as an almost, graduate teacher, with a completely different perspective on blogging and the possibilities of the web to support communication, collaboration and learning.

So, I think I will be returning. To share my professional journey as a teacher - if I can ever get a job in a workplace that is at the mercy of funding cuts and a teacher glut - supported by the amazing learning opportunities that the internet offers. And yes, some of the stuff out there is unsavoury, but the same goes for books, magazines, TV, DVDs etc.

And I am sure from time to time I might revisit that desire to commit to words the thoughts that ramble around in my head, or express the delight that, that previously, mostly-old-compacted-cow-pasture of a block is now bristling with trees of all kinds, because of my hard work, and the previously, soon-to-be house is a reality, albeit lacking in a few finishing touches such as doorhandles, curtins and skirting boards.

So, a professional and personal platform combined.....

Saved By The Bell

Sometimes the universe throws you a life buoy, a kick up the pants, a what were you thinking kind of reminder that this is the real deal and you only get one go at it.

A few weeks ago I applied for a very sensible, potentially-soul-destroying job which would have ticked all the boxes financially and none when it comes to wish fulfilment. Fortunately I didn't get it.

What I did get very loud and clear was the huge feeling of relief which swept over me when I heard that out of the very high, calibre applicants, I was one of the unsuccessful ones.

Later in a warm bath with a glass of red and my dearly beloved, I confessed that if I had got the job I would have had to switch off a part of myself, a still shy part which I have spent a large proportion of my adult life coaxing out of hiding.

Less than a week after this enlightened confession something wonderful happened. An old and well connected tutor from Uni contacted me about some possible research work, qualitative research, no less. Now this I love, people and analysis and what makes you tick kind of questions. My heart soared.

Nothing may come of this, work-wise, but I have had such a revelation. It is not enough to feed ones pocket, to sell your soul for money, as a friend put it, if it is not also feeding the essence of what it means to be yourself. If a person stays true to self, then life does seem to have a wonderful way of conspiring to meet the needs of 'self-essence' and survival.

In love with the possibilites...

Evening now, soft, still.  Instead of staying indoors and attending to chores, I drive to where we are soon to build the long awaited family home.

Already planted, the orchard stands frail. Thin  trees which promise succulence. Patience, be patient! Vegetables are flourishing in raised, oblong, tin beds, drawing me like a magnet.
I tend them. Lovingly, kindly, delightedly. Reddest strawberries, crunchy peas, beans, lemon balm and parsley. How now the progress of the green caterpillars gnawing at the pods on the radish plants? There will be seeds to collect if the caterpillars don't destroy them all.

The caterpillars have been allowed to gnaw unimpeded. I am informed by a romantic vision of  re-instating the kind of balance that exists in nature between 'helpful' and 'unhelpful' insects. I indulge my delusion and ignore the fact that recently planted trees are mostly less than a metre high and offer no protection for birds, floral tit-bits to entice the bees are mere seedlings, and the grass is old, compacted cow pasture. I am buoyed by my vision of what it might yet become.

A kindly and focused man mirrored my own enthusiasm, 'You'd be amazed what you can do on five acres'.

Indeed.

Beyond the radish pods, the other vegetables are gorgeous and unchewed.

There is so much possibility, the wonder of it expands my chest, I feel my breath, my skin, my consciousness, opening to the billions of micro-organisms insects worms that help make up the living breathing masterpiece that is the soil. I am learning how to feed it, to mend it, to read it.
I am alive, it is alive.
I am in love with the possibilities.